


now that I see you

by starlightwalking



Series: the wondrous parts of you and I [5]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Clearing Up Miscommunications, First Time, Formenos, Hand Jobs, M/M, Premarital Sex, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Trans Fingon, Trans Male Character, Vaginal Fingering, Valinor, Years of the Trees, mostly LaCE-compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Findekáno sneaks into Maitimo’s room in Formenos for some long-awaited intimacy, but first they have to clear up a few misconceptions about one another’s hröar.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Series: the wondrous parts of you and I [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979144
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36
Collections: Anna's Trans Anthology





	now that I see you

**Author's Note:**

> **Content warnings:** Genital surprise/reveal (on both sides, lol). Discussion of pregnancy. Brief mention of transphobia/dysphoria. Overall, the cis character is nothing but supportive and affirming of the trans character’s gender and body, the trans character is confident and comfortable in his gender, and a good time is had by all.
> 
> This fic is rated M, but like, on the higher side of M. It’s vague in specifics, but there is sexual content.
> 
> (If you like this concept, I have another [similar fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27189251) but with Maitimo as the trans character! That fic is rated E.)

A disturbance outside his window startled Maitimo from his writing. He glanced up for a moment, expecting some small animal to have scrambled up the tree branches, but there was nothing. He shrugged, returning to his letter to Findekáno.

He missed his beloved dearly. It had been weeks since they had last managed to see each other, Finno giving Írissë the slip on a hunting trip and Maitimo sneaking away from Formenos to meet him in the woods. They never knew when they’d have another chance; their letters were the only thing keeping Maitimo sane amidst the chaos caused by his brothers and their father. Finwë still corresponded with his family in Tirion, and if he noticed Maitimo slipping a note into the envelope bearing Findekáno’s name, he said nothing. And there were other, more personal, private messages they sent to one another by way of Finno’s messenger hawk.

Of late, those personal messages had turned rather steamy. Two years into Fëanáro’s exile, Maitimo ached for Findekáno’s touch and could not help but resent the official dissolution of their engagement. They still held each other in promise, but to the rest of the world they had become unfriends, and for now it had to stay that way, even though by all rights Maitimo should have been living in his own house with his husband, not isolated in the north with his bratty brothers and jumpy father and placid grandfather.

 _I yearn for you,_ he wrote, blushing a little, for his thoughts strayed beyond simple _yearning_ for Findekáno’s presence. They had not quite gotten to the stage betrothed couples often did before their wedding, a gentler exploration of one another’s hröar that nonetheless brought bodily pleasure, when they had been forced apart. Maitimo knew the feeling of his own hand, but what he wanted was Findekáno’s, touching him everywhere.

The tree’s branches shook again. Maitimo jumped, smearing the ink on his page guiltily. This time they did not cease moving, and surprise turned quickly to suspicion.

“Who goes—” he began, but before he could even ask, he was astonished to see Findekáno’s bright smile appear before him, and his beloved clambered from the treetop into Maitimo’s room, tumbling onto the floor dramatically.

“ _Finno!_ ” Maitimo exclaimed, forgetting his letter, for now he had his beloved here in the flesh, and needed no ink to speak with him.

He helped Findekáno to his feet, and bent to kiss him—only to pull back, seized with sudden anxiety. How was Finno _here_? They were so careful when they met, always doing so in secrecy, far from Formenos itself, so for Findekáno to trespass into the very heart of Fëanáro’s fortress—

“Hello, dearest.” Findekáno beamed, tugging him down into a kiss by one russet curl. “Oh, don’t look at me like that! You know you’re glad to see me.”

Maitimo couldn’t help but melt into his embrace. Despite his worry, he wanted Findekáno so _badly_ , and was overjoyed to have him in his arms at last.

“I—yes, I am,” he admitted, “but Finno, you can’t just—last time we arranged things so it would be a secret—”

“And that has its charms, I confess,” Findekáno teased, standing on his tiptoes to kiss Maitimo’s nose, “but I would dearly love to kiss you in your own bed for once, melindo.”

“Finno...” he sighed, though he wanted that too, so very much.

“Besides...” Now Findekáno looked at him with a heated gaze, and a shiver ran through Maitimo, reminding him of what he’d been thinking of whilst writing his letter. “Last time, I left still burning for your touch, and I think a bed would be more comfortable for what I want to do to you than the forest floor.”

Before Maitimo could protest, Findekáno pushed him backwards and tumbled them into his bed. His mouth was hot on Maitimo’s lips, his hands tangling in Maitimo’s hair, and Maitimo couldn’t help but surrender to his insistent caresses. For a long moment they kissed, drinking in each other’s presence, rejoicing in their reunion. Their minds were not open to one another as they would be when they were wed, but still Maitimo could feel Findekáno’s happiness and desire, radiating from him like the warmth of Laurelin, and he felt dizzy with wanting.

Still, when Findekáno’s lips trailed down his throat, kissing and nibbling in a way that suggested he would love to leave a mark if he could, and his hands began to fumble with the ties of Maitimo’s robes, anxiety rose once more within him. He wanted, _oh_ he wanted, but—but—

“Finno,” he croaked, grasping Findekáno’s wrist with his own hands, so much bigger than Finno’s. “We can’t...you know I want you, but—we promised we would wait until things settled down.”

Findekáno smiled sweetly, giving him a chaste kiss on the lips before explaining, “I know...and as much as I want to marry you, love, that isn’t what I had in mind for today. I am so impatient...” He sighed. “But there _are_ things we can do before marriage, you know. Even for...for néri like us.”

Maitimo bit his lip, still nervous despite himself, and not quite sure what Findekáno meant by _néri like us_. “Finno, I’m not...”

Findekáno leaned back, eyes serious. “I won’t make you,” he assured. “I’m sorry if this is too much, too soon...I just thought—”

Maitimo pulled him back into a kiss, gentle and reassuring. “I’m not afraid of you,” he murmured. “I want this, I do. I’m just...worried we’ll go too far. Or we’ll get caught.”

“We won’t,” Findekáno promised.

Maitimo wasn’t so sure. “But you’re _in my room,_ ” he stressed. “Inside the castle! My father and brothers are here— _Haru_ is here—”

“Don’t you trust me?” Findekáno pouted.

“Yes,” Maitimo said at once. _That_ was never a doubt in his mind. “Of course. With all my fëa.”

Findekáno smiled slowly, something wicked in his grin. “And your hröa?”

Maitimo shivered, suddenly _very_ aware of how Findekáno was straddling his waist. “Yes,” he said hoarsely. 

“Then believe me,” Findekáno ordered. “We will not be caught.”

Maitimo nodded mutely, surrendering to his beloved’s assurance. Findekáno was here; Findekáno was all he needed.

Still, Findekáno paused before continuing. “I may have bribed Makalaurë into distracting your family,” he admitted.

Maitimo sat up. Findekáno fell off his lap onto the sheets beside him, laughing.

“ _What_?!” he demanded. “Finno!” If Makalaurë knew Findekáno was here—

“It’s alright, melda,” Findekáno giggled. “He understands. He’s separated from his wife, after all. He knows what it is to miss one’s beloved; he’ll ensure us our privacy.”

“And you didn’t bother to tell me that he _knew_?” Maitimo demanded. He hadn’t told _anyone_ he and Findekáno were still together, secretly; he’d been so _careful_ , hiding his heart even from Makalaurë, whom he usually trusted with almost everything.

“It _may_ have been a spontaneous thing...” Findekáno blushed. “Perhaps he saw me sneaking in...”

“Finno,” Maitimo groaned. “You already got caught!

“Which is why I know it won’t happen again,” he reasoned. “And it was only Makalaurë. You may not have told him, but he knows you well. He knew why I was there before I could come up with an excuse.”

“Finno...” Maitimo sighed. He’d have to have a conversation with his brother after this—but that could wait. Right now, he had Findekáno here, and he resolved not to spend another moment worrying.

“Alright,” he murmured. “I trust you.” He tilted his head, trying to look alluring despite the blush he could feel creeping down his neck. “What is that that you wanted to do?”

At once Findekáno pushed Maitimo back down onto his bed, swinging his legs on top of him and straddling him. Maitimo could not hold back a yelp of surprise, and Findekáno bent to swallow his sounds with a messy kiss.

“This,” Findekáno whispered. “You. For as long as I can have you.”

Maitimo reached up, wrapping his arms around Findekáno and pulling him ever closer, feeling his arousal building. “Always,” he rasped, wishing it were already so.

Findekáno chuckled darkly. “I thought you said we _weren’t_ getting married today.”

“I am yours, always, forever, Findekáno,” Maitimo vowed. “Marriage or no. I have been yours since the day I knew I loved you, and longer.”

Findekáno moaned, a sound so delightful that heat more intense than he had ever known rushed through Maitimo’s body. He kissed Findekáno again, reveling in the feeling of their mutual desire, wondering if Finno could feel his growing arousal if he rocked backward just an inch...

“Russandol,” Findekáno croaked. “You cannot say such things and expect me to be unmoved!”

“I _want_ to move you, Findekáno,” he growled, nipping at his lips. “Deeply.” He paused, wondering if he should be so bold, but Finno was here with him, and they were safe and alone, and he knew not if he could bear to let this chance slip through his fingers. “I wish to move _in_ you,” he whispered, the very thought making him tremble, “though we cannot have that yet, I suppose.”

“ _Russo_ ,” Findekáno gasped, fisting his hands in Maitimo’s robes, and he knew the thought aroused his beloved also, and felt giddy with the knowledge. “...May I disrobe you?”

“Please!” Maitimo begged. “Please.”

“I want—so much—” Findekáno growled, his fingers shaking as he undid the ties of Maitimo’s robes. “I want—your fingers inside me, I want your mouth on my—my lips—”

Maitimo groaned; he wanted whatever Findekáno wanted, and more. He couldn’t help but interrupt Findekáno for a kiss, so overwhelmed with love was he. “We can have that,” he rasped, and for emphasis he mouthed at Finno’s lips again; “we have had that, we have it now...”

Findekáno moaned into the kiss, tugging Maitimo’s robes open and pausing for a moment to appreciate his bare chest. Maitimo felt vulnerable like this, though it was not as if Finno had never seen him shirtless before, but they’d never been _naked_ before each other...

“I love kissing you, vanimelda,” Findekáno breathed, punctuating his statement with another press of their lips together. “But I meant...my other lips...”

“What?” Maitimo asked, but he was too distracted to dwell on his puzzlement. He shrugged off his robes and tugged at Findekáno’s, giddy with excitement. He’d imagined what Finno would look like naked a hundred thousand times, but he knew the real Findekáno would be perfect, no matter what.

“I will be glad to do the same for you, melindo,” Findekáno assured.

Maitimo still wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about, but if Finno wanted it, he was happy to provide and sure he would enjoy. Still— “Finno?” he asked, only for Findekáno’s robe to fall off his shoulder.

Maitimo went momentarily speechless at the sight of smooth brown skin that he was not only _allowed_ to touch but _invited_ to. He ran his hands over Findekáno’s shoulders, his back, helping him wriggle out of his pants even as Findekáno did the same for him.

“Mm?” Findekáno asked, and Maitimo realized he’d forgotten whatever it was he had been going to ask.

“What do you—” he began, but the words caught in his throat in that moment as they were finally laid bare before one another, and he realized that maybe he had made some assumptions he should not have.

“Oh!” Findekáno said, staring at Maitimo’s obvious erection with...surprise, not excitement.

“Oh,” Maitimo echoed, staring at the space between Findekáno’s legs, equally surprised, for he did _not_ have the...equipment Maitimo had expected.

“Um,” Findekáno said, scooting away bashfully until he sat beside Maitimo, not touching him any longer. Maitimo repressed a sad little noise, not wanting him to leave, but not wanting to pressure him into anything, either.

“Uh,” he said, unsure of where to go from here.

Findekáno let out a nervous little laugh. “Well!” he exclaimed. “I’m—” He bit his lip. “You’re...”

Maitimo swallowed. “Finno, I...didn’t know...”

Findekáno’s eyes grew wide. “You didn’t _know_?”

“Not that it changes anything!” Maitimo blurted out, needing to reassure him that no matter what Findekáno’s hröa was like, he loved him all the same. “I—I still love you, I still want you—”

“Russo, I...” Findekáno blushed. “I didn’t know either.”

“What?” Maitimo did not understand. How could Finno not have known what his own body...?

“I mean—” Findekáno grimaced. “Your father said—”

“Oh, _stars_ ,” Maitimo groaned, falling back in his bed. If he had been aroused earlier, he certainly wasn’t anymore. “What did he say _this_ time?”

“When...” Findekáno tilted his head. “When I asked him for your hand...he said that we could not have children together.” He shrugged. “And, well, it’s not a secret, what I am, so I thought he meant you were...like me...”

“Ah. Um.” Maitimo struggled to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together in his mind. Findekáno was...and he’d thought _Maitimo_ was, too...

“No,” he admitted. “If I didn’t know about you, he certainly didn’t either.”

“How did you not...?” Findekáno wondered. “It was not exactly a secret that my father’s eldest child was a little wendë.” He grimaced. “I thought for sure that your father would have gloated over me not being a ‘proper’ heir—”

“Wait.” Maitimo’s heart beat faster than he’d thought it could. He loved Findekáno, regardless of anything, but _little wendë_... “You are...a nís?”

“No!” Findekáno exclaimed vehemently.

“Sorry!” Maitimo said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean—it was only, you said— Well, you are different than I expected, but I—” He took a deep breath. “You are a nér to me, Finno. I fell in love with a nér and...and I would love you no matter what you are, I _would_ , but—”

“No, no, it’s alright, Russo.” Findekáno sighed, reaching out to him, and Maitimo fell into his arms with great relief. It didn’t even matter that they were naked; or, it did, but it wasn’t...sexual, even if it was intimate. He just needed Finno, with him, and as long as he was there things would be alright.

“You were right to ask,” Findekáno said softly. “I am a nér, yes. I’ve been a prince ever since I was old enough to express the truth of my fëa.”

“My prince,” Maitimo murmured, nuzzling at his neck. “My beautiful, brave, valiant prince.”

“Oh, Russo...” Findekáno sighed. “Well, now that I think about it...I suppose you did not truly meet me until I was a skinny little thing who still had hope he’d grow tall as cousin Maitimo.”

Maitimo blushed. “No luck there,” he teased. “But it’s alright. I like that you’re little...and that you’ve filled out since then.” He ran his fingers over Finno’s chest, delighting in the way it made him shiver, and down to his stomach, lightly pinching a roll in his lovely flesh.

“And I like that you’re big,” Findekáno said huskily, shifting so Maitimo was half in his lap, his chest pressed to Maitimo’s back, “especially now that I see _all_ of you.” His hand wandered down Maitimo’s side, brushing at his inner thigh. Now it was Maitimo’s turn to shiver, and he felt himself stirring again, both embarrassed and pleased that his size was something his beloved could appreciate.

“But this...” Maitimo was still uncertain about one thing. “You said you thought I was, I was like you? Is...” He swallowed. “I’m not, not that way...is that alright?”

Findekáno laughed softly, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “Yes, Russo,” he assured. “Of course it’s alright. I want you no matter what you are.”

“This is...I didn’t...” Maitimo flushed, well aware that he was turning red all over. Findekáno’s eyes crinkled into a smile.

“What is it?” he asked.

Maitimo blushed deeper. “No, I don’t want you to—”

“ _Tell_ me, Russo, I want to know,” Findekáno urged, a bit more serious now, and, well, it was not talking to each other that had turned this into such a surprise.

“...I suppose I will not be able to, um, take you inside of myself in the way I dreamed,” Maitimo admitted in a mumble, ducking his head. It was mortifying to be so honest about something so private—but this was Findekáno, the only one he’d ever _wanted_ this way, and he trusted him entirely.

“Hm,” Findekáno hummed. “Well...no.” His hand began to move again, and Maitimo’s breath caught. “You are the one of us with a cock, after all. And quite a lovely one, too.”

Maitimo groaned, leaning into his touch. He’d fantasized about how Findekáno’s hand on him would feel like every time he’d touched himself, but this was better than he could possibly have imagined. “Finnoooo,” he mumbled, drawing out the _o_.

“But don’t worry, vanimelda,” Findekáno whispered, his breath hot against Maitimo’s neck. “There are ways even I can give you that, should you want it. The Noldor are a crafty people, after all.”

“I look forward to it,” Maitimo said breathlessly. Findekáno stroked him slowly, murmuring filthy promises into his ear, until all Maitimo could feel and see and hear was Finno, Finno, Finno.

“And I want the same from you!” Findekáno sighed. “But for you, we shall not need craftiness, only your Eru given gifts. Ai, but how I want that, arimeldanya.” He sighed, his thumb rubbing clumsily in a way that made Maitimo whimper with need. “How I want you to fill me up, spend within me...”

 _Oh_ , Maitimo had dreamed of that, also. Finno’s hand around him was _wonderful_ , but—but to have _that_ , to be within Finno _entirely_...

“Findekáno,” he rasped, unable to say anything but his name. He was drowning in Finno’s love, overcome with Finno’s gentle worship of his hröa, and he felt dizzy imagining how it could be _better_.

“But we must wait,” Findekáno said wistfully, “until this exile is over and our houses are reconciled.” His movements slowed, and Maitimo cursed. He was _so close_...

“The waiting will make our consummation all the sweeter, I hope,” Findekáno murmured, and with his free hand he turned Maitimo’s head to kiss him, stroking him with renewed vigor.

“Oh,” Maitimo gasped, “I’m— _ai_ , Finno, I’m going to— _Finno_!”

He shuddered, vision going white, floating into a world where he felt only bliss and Findekáno. Slowly he came back down, still held safely in Finno’s arms, awash with pleasure.

“Oh, Maitimo,” Findekáno said thickly, voice full of wonder. “You are so perfect, so beautiful.”

Overwhelmed with love, Maitimo turned to face him and pulled him into a kiss, deep and intoxicating. He would never tire of Finno’s hands on him, never get enough of the taste of his lips—and he wanted Findekáno to feel the same dizzy rush he was feeling, wanted to return the favor.

“Finno,” he rasped. “I...how can I—what can I do for you? I didn’t ever...my fantasies were, um, different, I don’t know how...”

Findekáno smiled, somehow bashful despite how thoroughly he had undone Maitimo. “Um,” he said, “to start...” He took Maitimo’s hand, guiding him down to his groin, spreading his legs to give Maitimo better access. “Like this, beloved.”

“Wh...” Maitimo’s mouth went dry as he touched him, felt the hitch in Findekáno’s breath, felt the heat of him, a reaction to _his_ touch. “Oh,” he said reverently, though he still needed Finno’s guidance. “Um.”

“If...” Findekáno sucked in a breath. “If you don’t like it—”

“Shush,” Maitimo scolded gently, quieting him with a quick kiss. “Of course I like it. I just...I want you to like it, too.”

“Alright,” Findekáno murmured. “You’re doing well.” He squirmed a little, and Maitimo’s fingers slipped further down. “Feel how w-wet I am for you, Russo? That’s how much I want you...”

“Oh, Finno,” Maitimo croaked, because he _did_ feel it, and it was enough to make his blood stir again.

“Yes...mmm...” Findekáno relaxed into his arms, and Maitimo could not help but pepper his face with gentle kisses, awed and honored that someone as beautiful and bright as Finno trusted him with his hröa. “You can...slip a finger in me, if you w— _ohh_...”

Maitimo followed Findekáno’s instructions, marveling at the strange feeling, so unlike anything he had before imagined. “Is it...am I—”

“Yes, you’re doing so good, so well—”

“Are you—” Maitimo felt a low rumble in Findekáno’s chest; they were close, so close together, so close he could feel the sparks of pleasure bursting from Finno’s fëa. “Can you—will this be enough to—”

“Mm...maybe,” Findekáno slurred, and _oh_ , he was beautiful coming apart like this. “If you can—here—”

With a shaking hand, he pulled Maitimo’s thumb a little higher until he felt something small and hard and round. “Feel that?” he rasped.

“Mm...yes,” Maitimo murmured, pressing gently on the spot. Findekáno stifled a cry, and Maitimo hurried to do it again.

“If you play with that,” Findekáno gasped, “my pearl—just a little harder— _oh_ —”

Maitimo barely even noticed that he was hard again, so focused was he on Findekáno’s enjoyment, at least not until Finno touched him again. He shuddered, almost overwhelmed, and kissed his lover deeply, giddy with love and lust.

“Ai, Russo,” Findekáno said, “you’re hard for me again, already?”

“You move me,” Maitimo croaked. “C-can I...do you want another finger?”

“Yes, yes...”

“Finno, you...” Maitimo wanted to capture this moment perfectly in his mind, a treasured memory to return to when he was alone once more, but he was too distracted by the feeling of Findekáno consuming all his senses. “You’re dripping for me,” he babbled, “this is, this is more than ever dreamed, I...”

“Rrrusso,” Findekáno trilled, speeding his movements. “Ah, ai, Russo, melindo, meldanya, vanimelda—!”

Maitimo drank in the sight of him as he fell to pieces, utterly beautiful, nearly divine. The only thing that could distract him was his own climax; his eyes fluttered shut briefly, only to open again just to stare at the wondrous nér that was _his_.

Findekáno flopped down onto the bed and spread out luxuriously, almost like a cat. His legs tangled with Maitimo’s, and that simple intimacy was so touching it nearly drove Maitimo to tears. He wiped his hand clean, then reached over to brush a gold-ribboned braid from Findekáno’s face, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.

Findekáno’s eyes opened, bright and blue and beautiful. Maitimo had never been more in love than he was now. “Mmmm...” Findekáno mumbled. “That was good.” He smirked. “You know,” he said slyly, “I can come more than once, if you keep going. That’s a nice thing about this kind of hröa.”

Maitimo blushed. “Um. Do you...?”

“Not right now.” Findekáno tugged him down, and Maitimo went willingly, curling up with him. “But...in the future. Next time.”

“Next time,” Maitimo echoed, imagining the wondrous future they had together. “Next time.” He kissed his beloved, smiling, drunk with love. “Thank you for this, Finno. For trusting me with your hröa...”

“Mmm,” Findekáno sighed happily. “Thank you, love.”

They lay together in quiet happiness for some time. Maitimo drifted off into a doze, sated and safe with Finno in his arms. It was only when Laurelin’s light began to give way to Telperion’s that he yawned, cracking his eyes open to stare at the peaceful face of his beloved.

Many thoughts wandered across his mind: thoughts of the future, of their marriage when the time was right, of their own house and no need for sneaking around, of peace between their families, of a family of their own...

 _Ah, no,_ he scolded himself gently. _To have Finno is enough; I do not need—_

But here he paused, his heart skipping a beat. He had assumed—and Findekáno had also—that a family beyond the two of them was not a possibility. He had been prepared to accept that, to put aside his dreams of fatherhood for the sake of his love, for it was not as if he could not love the children of others (he already adored Tyelperinquar, after all!), and Finno was his whole heart. There was no other elda for him; he would not find joy with a nís as he would with Findekáno.

But—today was a day of discovery. He and Findekáno had learned much about each other, and they would only learn more, he knew. Their hröar were built differently, and that meant—it _could_ mean...

Findekáno blinked, waking as if he could sense the tumult in Maitimo’s mind. He smiled sleepily and kissed his nose. “Hello again, beloved,” he whispered. “Where have your thoughts wandered?”

Maitimo kissed him, unsure of how to bring this up. He had assumed once—never again. Just because Findekáno was _capable_ of such, did not mean he _would_ ; after all, Makalaurë and Ezellë had not had any children despite being able to.

“Finno,” he began slowly.

“Mm?”

“I...I never brought this up before,” he said. “I didn’t want you to...feel bad about what you could not give me, but now that—that I see you—”

“Russo,” Findekáno said fondly, “in my dark moments, I worried I would not be good enough for you because I do not have a cock. Whatever could you have worried about thinking I had one?”

“Well...um...” There was no way to dance around this, was there? “Children.”

Findekáno’s eyes closed, and when they opened again they had drifted to some distant place. Maitimo thought he could see the stars reflected within them, just as he had the night they had first kissed.

“...Oh,” Findekáno murmured, and even with the stars, his eyes seemed a little lost.

Ai, that was not a good sign. Maitimo hurried to qualify: “I don’t—I was happy to have you without any possibility of us...of children,” he assured. “And if it’s not what you want, then this changes nothing. But I have... I mean, I’ve always wanted...and if _you_ did too, and we _could_...”

“I...” Findekáno sighed, burying his face in Maitimo’s chest. “I don’t know, Russo,” he admitted. “I think I would like a child? But the process of making one...I don’t know if I want...”

“Do you not want me...inside of you?” Maitimo asked. He thought Findekáno had said...ah, but maybe... “Or—not there?”

“No, I _do_ ,” Findekáno replied, “but...conceiving a child requires more than the act, you know. We can have that without...creating a new fëa. It’s...I do not know if I would...want to _bear_ a child. I know I am a nér, and all Eldalië knows it too, but when néri like me choose to have children...”

He grimaced. “Sometimes we are treated differently, after. I know _you_ would never, but...it happens.” He looked down to the curve of his belly, adding, “And sometimes our own minds betray us, to see our hröar acting as the hröa of a nís might, even if we held no such uneasiness before. To endure a year in misery like that, and perhaps even beyond...”

“I would never make you,” Maitimo said seriously; the thought of Findekáno in misery because of him, or for his sake, made him feel ill. “As I said—when I thought we couldn’t, I wanted you more than I wanted to be a father. That hasn’t changed.”

“Russo...” Findekáno’s lips turned upward into a small smile. He stroked Maitimo’s cheek tenderly. “You are a darling. My darling. I love you.” He breathed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment. “I...I’ll have to think about it. I’ve never truly considered having a child before, but I...maybe. I won’t say no. But not...soon...though even our marriage may not be ‘soon,’ at this point.” He sighed, and Maitimo felt his sorrow in his own heart. “I will think, and if I decide it will be worth it, I will let you know.”

Maitimo kissed him, beyond grateful to belong to such a kind and thoughtful nér. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for...for everything. For loving me, wanting me, considering this for me despite—”

“If I choose to bear a child, it would not be a burden undertaken for your sake, Russandol,” Findekáno said firmly. “It would be a joy, for both of us. I just...I don’t know if it _would_ be a joy, or if it would make me unhappy. I want _everything_ between us to be joyful.”

“Of course,” Maitimo rasped. “Of course. If it would not make you happy, it would not make me happy, either. I care for you too much to see you in misery, and I would never forgive myself if it was my fault.”

“If we have a child, it would be because I _wanted_ one,” Findekáno said. “Because I looked into my fëa and my hröa and decided I would have joy in bringing one into Arda.” He kissed Maitimo. “And because you would, too. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Maitimo whispered. “Even more, now that I see you—now that I know you, all of you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, I actually already have the next installment in this series written! I'll probably post it sometime this weekend - unless someone guesses the connection between all the titles in this series, in which case I'll upload it early as a treat :)  
> ETA: That was fast! Lottie and Fey both guessed - I will upload the new fic soon!  
> The connection is that all the titles are lyrics from musicals! This one is actually cheating a little bit, but I think it's close enough to count; it's from "At Last I See the Light" from Tangled :)  
> I've also gone back and added to the other fics where those titles came from!
> 
> Thanks for reading, and please comment if you enjoyed!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


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